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Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 20:32:40 -0400
From: Peyote (
Subject: A Fathers Hugs

Sorry it’s so long, but it was very emotional for me.

I grew up in an extremely rural area. I never had any other children my own age to play with, so I spent all my time with my father. We became very close right from the time I was born (he was 50 when I was born). My mother was very sick when I was young and my father took care of me while she was in the hospital. Unless I was in school I could usualy be found by his side, working in the garden, or garage. I even went with him when ever he went to visit his friends.

When I was 15 he got really sick. and passed away a month (Dec. 9th) before my 16th birthday. He had spent most of the previous 5 months hospitalized, and even though no one said it, I knew he was dying. About 2 days before he died he began to slip in and out of a coma. I stayed by his side, against my mothers wishes (she thought my going to school was more important than being with my dad). I even slept curled up on the bed beside him. The day before he died she went to make the funeral arangements. and I went with her, because my dad had asked me to. While we were gone my father slipped further into the coma. I spent the night with him, and all the next day.

Around 4:30pm my mother and sister convinced me to go with them to my sisters house for supper. We left for my sisters place, about 15 minutes from the hospital. We walked in the door and I wanted to leave, because I got a real sick feeling in my stomach. My mother and sister weere in the middle of telling me that it was just nerves, when the phone rang. It was the Hospital. They said to come back, because my dad had taken a turn for the worse. We left imediately.

About 3 minutes from the hospital there is a set of train tracks. As we were crossing the tracks, I got a reall strange feeling. Like someone was hugging me. I said goodbye daddy, out loud. Moments later we reached the hospital. When we got off the elevator there was a nurse waiting for us. My father had passed away 5 minutes earlier. I truely believe that he came to me in the car to say goodbye.

When he passed away, I lost my best friend. . . or did I. It will be 10 years on the 9th of December. I often feel like he’s sitting here with me, just like when I was little. Some times I feel like I’m going crazy. Whenever I get upset, or really stressed out, I feel a presence. and I feel as if someone is giving me a hug. It’s hard to describe.

My family never talkes about my dad. With my mom it’s almost like he never existed. My sister talked of him once about 2 years after he died. She asked me how I knew when he died, when we were in the car. She says she never dreams of him. I dream he’s here sometimes. . . I wake up to the smell of french toast sometimes (he always cooked french toast for me on Sundays). Sometimes I think my roomate smells it too, because she’ll come down stairs and think I’m cooking when I’m not. Some times I wake up with my hair braided, when It wasn’t braded when I went to sleep. And one of my Ex-boyfriends said he always felt like he was being watched when he was with me. And that the person watching was trying to protect me.

Sorry this was so long but it’s a very emotional thing for me.


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